God and Breast Cancer Make Me a Cubs Fan…Sort Of

cubs fan crying Recently, doctors informed my wife that she is positive for the BRAC2 gene, the mutation of the 17th chromosome that elevates the risks for breast and ovarian cancer for female carriers.

Given that my mother-in-law, who DOESN’T have the gene, and my sister-in-law, who does, both had complete mastectomies and all of the chemical trimmings that come with diagnosed breast cancer, the positive test for my wife is negative news for our family. Those who have the gene find themselves somewhere in the neighborhood of 55-85% greater risk to have breast cancer than non-carriers. Given that my wife has a carrier AND a non-carrier with cancer diagnosed in both breasts, and my better half’s numbers aren’t looking too good.

She’s handling things great. I’m optimistic, but awaiting the inevitable gloom and doom.

It’s just one of many things going on in life right now that feel like an ethereal kick in the balls; the end result being that I’m miserable to live with because I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and when I’m not bracing for that, then I’m raging against God for His patent unfairness.

My wife called me on it. She told me to forgive God.

My boss called me on it. He said to wrestle with God, pray, study, and in the end, just nut up and be a big boy.

Me – I’m enjoying the pity party. Only I’m not enjoying it. It’s making me miserable, and I just don’t have the energy or drive to pull myself from the funk. I’m looking for others to do that for me, and it’s not happening.

In short, I am a Cubs fan. And let me tell you, it’s not a good feeling. Nothing sucks worse than having your hopes raised, dashed, elevated, dashed again, and finally just left to rot in the undertow of self-pity. Nothing, that is, except for paying over $100 bucks for an official jersey to advertise your participation in the misery. I’m in a funk of my own making and I can’t remember how to escape. I’m sapped for energy, purpose and passion, and I know that any changes I could make would be superficial and meaningless against the unchanged person I am.

So how do you reinvent 0r rediscover joy? Where do you turn when all of life seems poised to continue putting a boot to the old ball-sack?

I’m out of answers…

Jason,

I stumbled on your site searching for something on Google but noticed your blog about your wife. I’m joining your pity party. I’m sorry for you. You are in a really bad situation. I don’t know how long it has been since your wife was diagnosed as having the gene or since you started your “funk” but if you found out recently and haven’t been feeling this bad until recently, I would say that the two coincide and that you should be upset over it for awhile. That is just normal circumstantial depression or grieving which isn’t only for deaths. It’s ok to feel bad so long as it doesn’t go on for years. The people who told you to get over it just can’t handle the pain they feel when they see you in pain or they don’t want to see you go too far down to the point that you become seriously depressed and require medical attention or do something stupid or they can’t handle their own fears that one day they might have to face something like what you are going through. You can figure out which one fits which person.

When I saw your comments about raging against God, I really felt for you. All I could think of is my own life. Believe me I understand. I generally live my life that way. I have had more bad things happen to me than you could begin to imagine. I once had a counselor tell me, “with everything you’ve been through, it’s a wonder you’re still here”. She meant that anyone else would have given up on life and committed suicide or something. The odd thing is that it is because I have a close relationship to God that I have so many things happen. I don’t mean that God is doing all of these things to me, but that when you live a spiritual life, unfortunately, more will happen to you. I don’t have the answer to why this is. Some people would say Satan, but I see that the more I experience, the more I understand other peoples’ suffering. I am very compassionate, something I choose to be. So, somehow there is a relationship between my suffering and my desire to understand and help others.

I have learned a few things along the way. You will feel better if you think more of your blessings than your curses. For instance, even if you wife needs a mastectomy, she is fortunate to live in an age where she will most likely make a full recovery in all other ways and lead a long otherwise healthy life. This wasn’t true for women in the past. I have not yet had breast cancer but have had friends who went through it and are now healthy. Be grateful that you love your wife and that she loves you. I don’t have anyone to love or who loves me. After two failed marriages, I am distrusting of men and God no matter what God tries to tell me. Also, think of putting some of your energy into helping others. You will find that as you bless others, you will receive blessings in return. You will also look outward instead of inward so that instead of worrying, fearing or being angry, you will channel the energy into something positive which will give you a more positive outlook on life despite any pitfalls you might encounter.

Above all else, realize that everything is transitory. The only thing that remains the same is that things will change. I absolutely know this to be true.

Know, too, that God is with you even when you forget that He is there. He cries when you cry and He wants you to have a happy life. I can’t say that I always remember this in my trying times but it is true. I also know this to be a fact.

I will be praying for a positive outcome for you and your wife.

God bless you,

Diana

The Southern Gentleman

God and Breast Cancer Make Me a Cubs Fan…Sort Of

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