Get Rid of the G.O.P.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – As President-Elect Barack Obama prepares to visit sitting President George W. Bush today, members of the outgoing presidential party made an announcement that stunned the press corps.

“Effective immediately, the Republican Party, also known as the Grand Old Party, has partnered with the same geniuses that brought the American People “Extreme Makeover” and “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” to completely revamp and revitalize the Republican Party’s platform and public face.”

“No political party has ever been in need of such a drastic and profound makeover, and we fully intend to present a completely new face to the American electorate in 2-4 years.”

While there were shouts from the assembled media, the questions lobbed at the G.O.P. spokesperson were left unanswered. A press release outlining the planned makeover is expected to be issued sometime today, possibly as soon as Senator Obama’s visit to the White House and private briefing with President Bush is over.

Some key areas identified by the G.O.P. for the makeover process: public image, public relations, party policy, party affiliations, celebrity endorsers, tax policy, spending habits, liposuction of drafted bills, target demographic, and the elephant.

“We think we can take at least 400-800 pounds off the elephant, and turn him into a lean, mean, campaigning machine,” said celebrity trainer Mitch “The Razor” Thormund. “As long as there’s a real commitment to change, we should be able to do wonders.”

When asked if the G.O.P. would be able to capture ground among the crucial voting blocks, such as women, young voters, and affluent African-Americans, Thormund replied, “Look, we’re here to improve the image and confidence of the Republican Party – not perform a miracle.”

Some potential celebrity endorsers have been leaked to the media, including Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood, and the ghost of Ronald Reagan. Whether or not a relevant figure can be obtained is one of the many issues facing the Extreme Makeover team.

“We’re excited about this,” said Philip W. Schiller, executive producer for both shows. “We think that we might be able to bring sexy back to the G.O.P.”

Here’s to 2012.

 

While the preceding is obviously farce, I think the truth isn’t too far off. The Republican Party, or the Grand Old Party (emphasis on the “Old”), is in need of a serious makeover. The party’s actions over the last eight years have been damaging to the integrity of the overall support base, and have left many a disillusioned voter wondering, “What happened?” In the wake of the crushing victory secured by president-elect Obama (and make no mistake, his was a crushing victory) there needs to be some serious examination of how the G.O.P. is organized, at least, if the party wants to continue to be viable for the next few years.

To help out, here are the key areas that the Elephantine party needs to look at, with a few suggested changes.

Public Face – Currently, this is the face that people associate with the Republican Party:

 Of course, they also think of this face, as a stereotype:

May I humbly suggest a change in public perception? Instead of being the party of crusty, constipated, old, rich white men, why not select something a little more chic? There are a lot of people out there with whom the voting public could readily identify; surely, among all of the millions of people who vote republican, the party can find at least one that is a little younger, a little more connected to the current pulse. How about any of the following?

 

Wait – aren’t they all Democrats? Crap. Are there any sexy, hip, young people out there who are public figures that openly root for the Republican Party? Anyone?

Okay…this is going to take a little more time than I first thought. I’ll have to come back to this topic later on. Dang it! I thought this would be an easy fix, but it sure looks like it’s going to take a good, long while. Hope the rest of the party realizes that…