History in the Making

Who better to interview about the Presidential race?

ST. PAUL, MN – With Sarah Palin set to introduce herself to the American and global public in a history-making speech at 10:30 PM tonight, I thought it would be a great time to get some reaction from someone who is heavily vested in this unprecedented presidential election. So, naturally, I tracked down someone in the Klan.

I mean, when you think of intelligent, rational, incisive political opinions, don’t you automatically think of white knights in pointed hats? I know I do.

Anyway, sarcasm aside, I thought it would be a great, albeit useless, idea to interview a Klansman on his opinion of the Obama-Biden/McKain-Palin heavyweight fight that is going to play out in countless small towns across America. So I put my vast network of contacts to work (or at least the 2 that returned my calls) and tracked down a Klansman that was more than happy to go on the record about the choices for Commander-in-Chief and sidekick.

World, meet Donnie, Grand Dragon of the Fraternal Order of the Vested Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, Wooden Chapter, Local 127.

The Southern Gentleman: Donnie, thanks for agreeing to talk with me about the presidential election.

Donnie: Shoot, I’m happy to talk to you. Since we’re on the phone, do mind if I ask you a question real quick?

TSG: Go ahead.

D: Are you white?

(TSG sits in silence for a moment)

D: No, seriously, dude – are you white?

TSG: Yes, I am a caucasian.

D: We prefer white. Caucasian sounds too much like Asian, and we don’t want to confuse people.

TSG: Yes – I’m white.

D: And I suppose with a name like Jason, you’re a dude?

TSG: Yes. Donnie, do you mind if we start the interview?

D: Oh yeah. Go right ahead.

TSG: Well, first of all, your reaction to the latest news that Senator John McCain has chosen Sarah Palin to be his running mate?

D: Isn’t he already married?

TSG: Who, John McCain?

D: Yeah.

TSG: Yes, he’s married to Cindy McCain.

D: Is she white?

TSG: As a piece of cotton.

D: OK, that’s good. So, if he’s married, what’s he need another running mate for? Don’t folks believe in being married forever anymore? Me and my wife, Homerlene, have been married for going on 14 years now – and only 11 years was common-law.

TSG: When I say running mate, Donnie, I mean that Sarah Palin will be his Vice-President if he’s elected president.

D: Oh, I thought you was talking about swinging or something. So he’s elected a woman to be his VP?

TSG: Yes he has. Your thoughts?

D: Well, not a bad choice. VP has always been an unimportant job anyway, am I right? So it’s not like he’s asked her to do anything important.

TSG: Riiiight… um, what do you think of Senator McCain?

D: I like him. Even his hair’s white. Plus, he fought against the Japs in Vietnam.

TSG: The Japanese weren’t involved in Vietnam.

D: Well, they all look ali…

TSG: I’ll stop you right there. What’s the Klan’s official position on Women’s Rights, and how will the nomination of Sarah Palin impact your position?

D: Well, as long as she still has time to do the dishes, I guess she can play president, you know what I mean?

TSG: Merciful God, no I don’t. How about we move to the other side of the political spectrum?

D: Dude, that’s just gross. You don’t have to talk dirty like that to me. That’s disrespectful.

TSG: I didn’t say anything dirty.

D: Dude, you said something about crossing over my spectrum. I don’t let nobody but my doctor see that, and he only gets to look at it once a year.

TSG: That’s not… nevermind. Let’s talk about the Democratic nominee, Barack Obama.

D: You mean they still haven’t thrown him in jail yet?

TSG: Why would they throw him in jail?

D: For starting all that 9/11 crap. Didn’t the government say they’d kill him if they caught him? And now we’re letting him run for president? See that’s what’s wrong with this country. That’s what the Klan aims to change.

TSG: Barack Obama isn’t Osama bin Laden. They are two entirely different people, you retarded fool.

D: Hey – don’t get mean. I got the right to say what I want – it’s the fourth amendament.

TSG: So the Klan is mobilized to prevent Senator Obama from being elected president?

D: Heck, yeah. We don’t want no Arab running the country. That’s almost as bad as if a black fella were to run for president.

TSG: Senator Obama is African-American, sir.

D: He’s black?

TSG: Yes.

D: Hold on a minute. (Here he apparently lowers the phone from his mouth, but I could still hear his voice coming through the receiver, but faintly) Hey Frank! Grab the rifles and some beef jerky, we’ve got a problem… no, I’ll meet you out back by the Pinto. We’ll need to take the fast car. (Here he puts the phone back to his mouth) Sorry about that. You still there?

TSG: Yes sir, I’m still here.

D: Okay. Well, officially, we don’t have a comment at this time, but rest assured we will get in contact with our lobbying group in Washington and examine the full ramifications of Senator Obama’s candidacy on our group’s interests.

TSG: That’s a pretty interesting statement. Would you like to elaborate?

D: No, I just made that up off the top of my head, dude. I think it’s a line from a Meryl Streep movie or something.

TSG: The Klan watches Meryl Streep movies?

D: Not really, that’s more of a me thing. Don’t tell anyone, okay?

TSG: Don’t worry. So, do you have anything else to say about the election? Any insights into the Klan that you want to provide, maybe to shed a little light on what you’re thinking as a group?

D: No, we’ve got to get together and talk about some things before I make any other kind of political statements.

TSG: Well, before I go, is there anything else you’d like to say?

D: Sure do – long live the glorious master race of the white man, and may he live forever and ever in his rightful place of imperial rulership.

TSG: Thank you, that was disgusting.

D: I have something else I’d like to say, if that’s all right.

TSG: At this point my credibility can’t get any worse. Go ahead.

D: J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets! All the way with Favre, baby! And A-Rod is a choking weasel!

TSG: Thanks for nothing Donnie.

D: My pleasure. We should get together someti…

(Sound of a dial tone)