Severe Crash at Beach Takes Out Family
- Mommy and Ella… before the crash.
MYRTLE BEACH, SC - Tragedy struck this quiet town today as a family from Atlanta, Georgia was wiped out in what authorities are calling “an epic crash.” The names of the family members have not been released, although authorities have confirmed that the immediate relatives have been notified.
“This isn’t all that uncommon,” said Ronald “Gums” Lumpkin, the Chief of Police for Myrtle Beach. “Families come here all the time, get into the atmosphere, let go of their schedules, and suddenly - WHAM! - they have this kind of crash and it’s all over. Usually, they don’t make it this deep into the week… I’ll just never get used to it.”
Arrangements for the family have been set and their bodies are expected to be driven home on Saturday. Autopsies will not be required by the state due to the obvious circumstances. Warnings will be issued through several PSA style announcements to help decrease this type of crash for future visitors. “We need to keep the safety of our wallets, uh, tourists, in mind,” said Chief Lumpkin.
We hit the wall today. No energy. No stamina. No money. So naturally, we went shopping. We just couldn’t fight the tide anymore (literally; there have been record rip-tides reported this week, the kind that pull a 31-lb. two year-old into the ocean in a heartbeat). Ella was miserable - tired, cranky, overstimulated - and her parents weren’t much different. The only thing that kept us going was the fact that we pre-purchased tickets for “The Dark Knight” release tomorrow evening, and we can’t get them refunded if we leave. So, yeah, this redneck kept his wife and daughter at the beach in a miserable state for the chance to see the latest Batman movie.
I’ll be sure to include a review of the movie later on this weekend. For now, I’m just trying to maintain my sanity and my grip on the English language. Catch you tomorrow with the latest addition to the dictionary.
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Well, this will be where you can find out the most about what it means to be a Southern gentleman, so bookmark it and take notes, y’all. We’ll cover everything from how to cook a good biscuit to a weekly vocabulary building exercise that will have you sounding like (or interpreting) a true Southerner lickity-split. Usually, what you read will try to be funny, but a real Southern gentleman is in touch with his emotions (which means he cries when his college team loses a conference game), so every once in a while you might get a ramble meant to draw a tear to your eye.
The Southern Gentleman’s Hat(s) - Perhaps nothing else defines the true Southern gentleman like his hat. The preferred chapeau is a baseball cap of some sort, typically with a local team’s logo prominently displayed on the front. It is never to be worn backwards; if God intended for hats to be worn backwards, He would have lined your face up with your butt, so the bill goes to the front - got it? With regard to the bill of the Southern gentleman’s cap, it must be properly formatted so that it has the correct curvature. To achieve the correct amount of bend, take a standard size baseball or softball and place it underneath the bill. Then, close the bill of the cap around the circumference of the ball. Utilizing a rubber band, string, or belt, secure the cap’s bill to the ball, so that they retain contact at all points. Leave over night. If truly wishing to set the curve of the bill, run over the cap while the bill is tied to the ball.
A hat must never get too salt-stained. A true Southern gentleman never sports a crappy looking hat. If your team is in the tank, it is permissible to switch caps for the duration of the losing streak, but you must not object when other Southern gentlemen question your loyalty, your love for country and your salvation. And, when the team returns to greatness and you don your cap again, you must also suffer the outraged cries of “bandwagon fan!”
Also permissible is a regularly scheduled rotation of hats, or hats assigned to particular tasks (baseball hat for golf, for baseball, for football, for Saturday mornings, for days when it rains, for dates with fairly attractive girls, for dates with really hot girls, for Sunday morning church, for your cousin’s funeral and so on…).
Never permissible are the following: hats that promote New York sports teams (Yankees, Mets, Rangers, Knicks, Giants, Jets, or other assorted riff-raff); hats that have lewd or crude remarks on them; hats that are pastel; hats that your grandfather would wear; hats that match your spouse’s; hats that are too small, too big or too ugly; hats with pom-pom balls on top; hats with colored translucent visors; hats that hold more than two cans of beverages; and hats that are taller than 6 inches.
Stick to this simple code, and you’ll blend in just fine. Break it, and you’ll be indiscriminately hooted out of town and derided in its legend and lore.
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