An Examination of the Southern Caste System

Have a little fun, will ya?

SNELLVILLE, GA – A local man was accosted today, after mistakenly referring to a Good Old Boy as a Redneck. The G.O.B., who is currently being sought for police questioning, apparently flew into an uncontainable rage, beating the victim mercilessly with his John Deere ball cap. The victim sustained multiple facial bruises along with a severly fractured ego.

There has long been confusion over the distinctions between Good Old Boys, Rednecks, and other Southerners. Often, the result of such confusion is nothing more than a verbal warning. But every so often, the tension will escalate into a physical confrontation like the one in Snellville.

The victim, who requested anonymity, said that he would be more careful with his words in the future. “Well, I reckon from now on I’ll just refer to everyone the same when I come to Wal-Mart,” he said.

 

Just what is a Redneck? How about a Good Old Boy? Are they the same thing? Can you use those two terms interchangably with the term Southerner?

Not if you don’t want to get your tires slashed.

There is a great distinction between being Southern, being a Good Old Boy and being a Neck (note that I do not use the term RED-Neck; some outstanding Southerners, as well as more than a few Good Old Boys work outdoors in the blazing hot Southern sun, which renders their necks a shade of red just south of boiled lobster. It is perfectly legitimate, therefore, to call them rednecks in a non-derogatory manner; thus the negative connotation of the term has been shortened to just Necks as a point of clarification). To help some of you learn the not-so-subtle differences, I have composed a brief run down of some key categories of Southern living, listing the distinctive traits of each caste.

Preferred Beverage:

Southerners - a large glass of Sweet Tea.

Good Old Boys – an ice-cold, longneck-bottle of American beer

Neck - anything that flows downhill when poured and has a higher alchohol content than Ted Kennedy.

 

Preferred Home:

Southerners - an above-average single-family home with a well-tended lawn (may or may not be located in a a neighborhood).

Good Old Boys - a secluded single-family home with intentionally unkempt acreage for hunting.

Necks - a trailer, camper or driftwood shack on a piece of property no less than 10 feet from the road (the property may either be completely barren, except for the few patches of crabgrass or the grass and weeds may be so tall as to hide the existence of the home).

 

Preferred Car:

Southerners - a mid-sized sedan that gets above-average gas mileage and requires little to no maintainance.

Good Old Boys – American-made pick-up truck or SUV that has at least 240 horses under the hood, chrome roll bars, chrome brush grill, and requires monthly owner-performed maintainance.

Necks - any late model sedan missing all four doors that hasn’t moved from it’s current position in over 15 years.

 

Preferred Pet:

Southerners - a mixed-breed dog that is good with children and can be easily housebroken.

Good Old Boys – a pure-bred dog that comes from a champion line of hunters, pointers and fetchers (and is also the size of a small pony, if possible).

Necks - a mutt with three legs that walks sideways when called and has an oil-stain the size of a basketball on its back (from laying under the Neck’s preferred car all day long).

 

Preferred Recreation:

Southerners - golf, recreational athletics for the kids, boating, travel, dining out

Good Old Boys – hunting, fishing, taxidermy, garage sale shopping, D.I.Y. projects

Necks - watching re-runs of C.O.P.S. on which they are the featured criminal, trying to find home after passing out in an unfamiliar county.

 

Preferred Garden:

Southerners - a shaded outdoor space with a variety of trees, flowers and shrubs, such as azaleas, rhododendrons, and hydrangeas.

Good Old Boys – a plowed, weeded and planted plot with tomatoes, sweet corn, beans, peas, peppers, squask, okra, onions, potatoes, cucumbers and muscadines.

Necks - a well-hidden plot of cultivated marijuana plants.

 

These are but a few of the distinctions that there are. I shall return next month with some more additions to this list, but I’m always welcoming suggestions, if you have them.

And remember, when you’re at Sears trying to buy that pair of seer-sucker Sans-a-belt slacks, do a quick assesment of your fellow shoppers before you start tossing around words like “redneck.” It could be the difference between a pleasant shopping experience and a face full of John Deere hat mesh.